Leo's epic pickup lines
by daughterofares97
Summary: Leo is in love with a new Ares camper, how does he woo her? With his famous cheesy pick-up lines. A.K.A. All the times Leo used a cheesy pick-up line, and the one time he has one used on him. T for sexual themes. Now with real chapters
1. Chapter 1

**So peoples, I originally uploaded this story on my old account Thatenglishchick, but that account was really screwed up and was doing all sorts of things like deleting my stories etc…  
>So heres the first chappie:<strong>

_Leo: _Hey sweetheart is your dad a terrorist?  
><em>Ella: <em>Obviously, he is the god of war.  
><em>Leo: <em>Well that explains why you're the bomb.  
><em>Ella: <em>Yeah well this bomb is about to explode so start running.

_Leo: _Roses are red violets are blue, you're so sweet & i love you  
><em>Ella: <em>Blood is red, ashes are black, go to Tartarus never come back  
><em><br>Leo: _The thought of you makes something vast and silver erupt from my sword _Ella: _Really? The thought of you makes something repulsive and semi-digested erupt from my mouth

_Leo; _Chiron and I have a lot in common, we both have parts like a horse.  
><em>Ella: <em>My dad and I have a lot in common, we both enjoy skewering repulsive boys who keep hitting on me.

_Leo: _Don't move, you have something in your eye, oh no it's justs a twinkle.  
><em>Ella: <em>Oh look! You have something in your crotch, oh no it's just my knee.  
><em>Leo: <em>Ooooooow

_Leo: _I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman in the world tonight.  
><em>Ella: <em>I'm fighting the urge to make you unable to reproduce

_Leo: _Hey baby, what's your sign?  
><em>Ella: <em>All trespassers will be shot

_Leo: _I lost my number, can I have yours?  
><em>Ella: <em>Leo, we're demigods, if we had phones we'd be eaten by ravenous monsters.  
><em>Leo: <em>Ohhhh...right…

_Leo: _Hey Ella, are you wearing space pants, cuz your ass is outta this world.  
><em>Ella: <em>Are you calling my ass fat?  
><em>Leo: <em>Uh oh.

_Leo: _Hey chica, you look like my next girlfriend.  
><em>Ella: <em>Really? You look like the next guy I'm gonna reject

_Leo: _Good morrow my one and only love, do you want to play carpenter. First we'll get hammered then I'll nail you.  
><em>Ella: <em>If you don't get away from me right Now I will borrow maimer and zap you from here to Tartarus.

**Reviews are, as always, appreciated. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey people, thanks for reading…that's all I guess.**

_Leo: _Bonjour mon chere, do you wanna go to the beach, we can make sure the tide isn't the only thing going in and out  
><em>Ella: <em>I will cut you.

- _Leo: _If I saw you naked I would die a happy man.  
><em>Ella: <em>If I saw you naked I would die laughing.  
><em>Leo: <em>Cruel.  
><em>Ella: <em>But true

.- _Leo: _What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl at camp?  
><em>Ella:<em> What does it feel like to be the ugliest boy?

- _Leo: _Hey I think you got something on your chest; my eyes.  
><em>Ella: <em>It's called a sports bra moron.

- _Leo: _You might as well sleep with me, I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyway.  
><em>Ella: <em>You do and I will personally make sure that you burn in the fields of punishment for all eternity, starting right now.  
><em>Leo: <em>Should I run away now?  
><em>Ella: <em>Yes.

- _Leo: _Do you have a mirror in your pocket because I swear I see myself in your pants.  
><em>Ella: <em>I own a tazer, and I am not afraid to use it.

- _Leo: _Hey chica, do you like math?  
><em>Ella: <em>No.  
><em>Leo: <em>Cuz I was thinking, maybe we could add a bed, subtract all clothing, divide your legs and multiply.  
><em>The slap could be heard all the way on the other side of the camp.<em>

- _Leo: _Hey Ella, I heard you lost your teddy bear, maybe I could be your new one.  
><em>Ella: <em>What, who told you I lost my teddy bear  
><em>Leo: <em>Ummmmm...  
><em>Ella: <em>_(draws knife, and says very threateningly)_ you heard nothing.

- _Leo: _My love for you burns like a dying pheonix.  
><em>Ella: <em>My Love for you burns like acid reflux-

_Leo: _Hey Ella i have a perfect match, my di..._Before he could finish a small, but well aimed, fist connected with his chin, knocking him unconscious._

**Next chapter will probably be tomorrow, unless my ancient computer dies **_**again.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Yes, I know Leo is ooc, but it wouldn't really be funny if it wasn't, so, here's the next chappie. Read and Review peoples.**

Leo: I may not be a genie, but I can still make your dreams come true  
>Ella: Really, you're going to commit suicide? Could you slit your wrists, I heard its the most painful way to go.<p>

Leo: (holds up dirty rag) Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?  
>Ella: Get away from me you crazy pervert<p>

Leo: I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready  
>Ella: Pedophile much?<p>

Leo: Ella, you've been a bad girl, now go to my room  
>Ella: You've been an annoying boy, now go to hell.<br>Leo: Tartarus my dear, tartarus

Leo: I have a cat, she'd really like to meet you, so why don't you come round to my place.  
>Ella: Ha, I always knew you were one of those weird, perverted cat lovers, who wear ugly sweaters and plot to kill all the dogs in existance. (AN I have nothing against cats/cat lovers)

Leo: Do you work for UPS, because I'm sure I saw you checking out my package.  
>Ella: Really? I didn't know you had one.<p>

Leo: If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?  
>Ella: I would say yes, but aren't you and all the other little gay elves making presents for Santa?<p>

Leo: You turn my software into hardware.  
>Ella: Get away from me before I turn your 'hardware' into not-there.<p>

Leo: Did it hurt?  
>Ella: Alright Leo, I'll humor you. Did what hurt?<br>Leo: When you fell from heaven  
>Ella: Why don't you ask your dad, he did it too.<p>

Leo: Hey, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. So will you be my girlfriend  
>Ella: Alright Leo<br>Leo: Really?  
>Ella: Uhuh, no<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**I forgot to write this in the other chapters, yes I know Leo is OOC, I don't think he would ever be this rude or suggestive, but if he wasn't, the fic just wouldn't be so funny, anyway here's chapter…I forgot and I'm too lazy to look it up.**

_Leo_: Whats a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?  
><em>Ella<em>: Probably dry heaving

_Leo_: _(walks up holding bag of skittles)_ Hey, I have skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?  
><em>Ella<em>: Sure _(grabs skittles and walks off)  
><em>  
><em>Leo<em>: Do you sleep on your belly at night?  
><em>Ella<em>: Um... No?  
><em>Leo<em>: Then can I?  
><em>Ella<em>: Sorry, that position is already taken  
><em>Leo<em>: What? By who? Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

_Leo_: Hey, if I keep on going this way will I be able to reach your heart?  
><em>Ella<em>: No, but you may able to reach my fist.

_Leo_: If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry, I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.  
><em>Ella<em>: If a fat man cuts your head off in the night, don't worry, I told Santa that that's what I wanted for Christmas.

_Leo_: Did you have lucky charms for breakfast, because you look magically delicious.  
><em>Ella:<em> Were you cursed at birth, 'cause you sound magically retarded.

_Leo:_ Excuse me, I'm lost, could you give me directions to your house?  
><em>Ella:<em> Oh sure, its the big red one over there, you know the one with all my huge, steroid pumped, overly-protective brothers in it.

_Leo:_ People call me Leo, but you can call me tonight.  
><em>Ella:<em> Again Leo, we aren't allowed to use phones  
><em>Leo:<em> Right...I knew that.  
><em>Ella:<em> Sure you did.

_Leo:_ If I followed you home would you keep me.  
><em>Ella:<em> Yes, I need a new practice dummy, straw just doesn't compare to real flesh.  
><em>Leo:<em> Um…Please tell me you don't know that from personal experience  
><em>Ella:<em> Whatever lets you sleep at night Leo.

_Leo:_ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again  
><em>Ella:<em> No Leo I don't, please walk by again, and please I'm begging you; don't ever stop.

**Reviews are the stuff dreams are made from.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Haha, the next chapter, this one is longer than usual, And I think the last one is my favorite yet.  
>Random person with no name: Those ones are great! I was planning on doing some longer chapters which are more like stories a bit later on (probably after I finish my other story; How to annoy the gods) and I'll use those, if you don't mind. <strong>

_Leo:_ I would marry your cat just to get in the family  
><em>Ella<em>: Again with the cats, Leo you really need to get a girlfriend  
><em>Leo<em>: What do you think I'm trying to do.  
><em>Ella<em>; Let me rephrase that, get a girl _who's not me_, then get out of my life.  
><em>Leo<em>: You know you secretly want me  
><em>Ella<em>: In your dreams  
><em>Leo<em>: Wait, how did you know?

_Leo_: Are you from Tennessee, cause you're the only ten I see.  
><em>Ella<em>: Leo, that was very probably the worst one yet.

_Leo_: Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get.  
><em>Ella<em>: I stand corrected, that was the worst one yet.

_Leo_: I remember studying you in Greek history class the other week, but you were labeled as Aphrodite.  
><em>Ella<em>: Are you telling me that I'm a filthy cheating whore, who's married to your father, but likes to have it on with mine? Because I hope for your sake you aren't  
><em>Leo<em>: Yeah, forget that last one.

_Leo_: _(looks at Ella thoughtfully) _You must be a Keebler elf.  
><em>Ella<em>: Wait what?  
><em>Leo<em>: Well, they don't share their recipe with anyone, and you obviously haven't shared your beauty recipe with anyone.

_Leo_: What would it take for me to get you on a date? Big bank account? Nice house? Car?  
><em>Ella<em>: Try body transplant, personality change and a love potion.  
><em>Leo<em>: Love potion, hmm, never thought of that before _(grins evilly and turns around)  
>Ella<em>: If you dare...

_Leo_: If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as to this question.  
><em>Ella<em>: No, for this question you just get a glare, ask me the other one and I will kick your ass all the way to Tartarus and back  
><em>Leo<em>: Oookay then, better scratch that one off the list (pulls pen and clipboard out of toolbelt, and scratches something out)  
><em>Ella<em>: What, you have a list? Give me that.  
><em>Leo<em>: _(Runs off screaming)_ Never!

_Leo_: You are so ugly!  
><em>Ella<em>: Excuse me?  
><em>Leo<em>: Gods please forgive me for lying!

_Leo_: You really are eye candy, you know you're giving my eyes cavities.  
><em>Ella<em>: Leo if you don't stop looking at my ass, you won't have any eyes left.

_Leo_: Your dad must have been retarded, because you're so special.  
><em>Ella<em>: _(looks behind Leo and stifles a grin and says innocently)_ Wait, what did you say?  
><em>Leo<em>: I said your dad must have been retarded, because you're so special.  
><em>Ella<em>: What was that, I still didn't here you.  
><em>Leo<em>: (shouting) I SAID YOUR DAD MUST HAVE BEEN RETARDED BECAUSE YOU'RE SO SPECIAL.  
><em>Clarisse, Mark and Sherman <em>**(A/N remember Mark and Sherman, sons of Ares from the Demigod files) **_walk up behind Leo.  
>Clarisse: <em>That's it you're dead punk.  
><em>Leo: (runs away) <em>This changes nothing Ella, I still love you!_  
><em> 


	6. Chapter 6

Random person with no name: **That is also a totally awesome idea! I  
>love it! Guess what, the next chapter is actually a real chapter, its<br>not one of your ideas, but the one after it totally will be! Oh my  
>gods, I just said totally (hangs head in shame).<strong>

_Leo_: Burger king isn't the only thing that is king-sized around here.  
><em>Ella<em>: Somehow, I seriously doubt that  
><em>Leo<em>: Really? Why's...hey wait a second! Thats an insult.  
><em>Ella<em>: Really, you only just noticed?

_Leo_: You're hotter than a blow torch set to full power.  
><em>Ella<em>: You're stupider than a...  
><em>(Annabeth randomly walks by)<em>  
><em>Annabeth<em>: It's 'more stupid' not 'stupider' you ignoramus.  
><em>Ella<em>: What did you just call me brainiac? This means war! _(lunges at Annabeth)  
>Leo<em>: Um...guys? I'm gonna run away now.

_Leo_: Did you have Campbells soup today? Because you're looking mm mm good.  
><em>Ella<em>: Its 6 o'clock in the morning, we haven't even had breakfast yet. _(mutters under breath)_ moron

_Leo_: What's your name?  
><em>Ella<em>: Ella, you retard  
><em>Leo<em>: Oh, because I thought it was Aphrodite  
><em>Ella<em>: So now you're confusing me with your step mom?  
><em>Leo<em>: Crap, right I forgot to take off all the ones with Aphrodite _(whips out clipboard and tears one of the pages out)  
><em>  
><em>Leo<em>: What would you like? Coffee? Tea? Me?  
><em>Ella<em>: What do you prefer? Fist? Knee? Foot?

_Leo_: If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable  
><em>Ella<em>: If you were an annoying retard, oh wait a second you already are!

_Leo_: If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light years away  
><em>Ella<em>: If stupidity were sunlight you'd shine from a trillion light years away.

_Leo_: Hey Ella, got any Latino in you?  
><em>Ella<em>: No.  
><em>Leo<em>: Want some?  
><em>Ella<em>:...

_Leo_: Hey baby, are you sure you're not a light switch, 'cause every time I see you, you turn me on.  
><em>Ella<em>: Well at least that one wasn't that dirty.  
><em>Leo<em>: Oh, you want dirty? Well then;  
><em>Ella<em>: No! Please no!  
><em>Leo<em>: Hi, my names Leo. You might wanna remember that, because you'll be screaming it later.

_Leo_: I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I could tinker  
>around with.<br>_Ella_: Get the hell away from me you freak

**Review, next chapter will be an actual chapter! I am so proud of it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**I am so proud of myself! I wrote a real chapter, whcih a few people have requested. Please tell me if you prefer these chapters to the ones before.**

**Oh and, yeah i know Leo seems like bit of a creeper in this chapter, but i promise its nothing perverted.**

Leo's epic plan: step 2

Leo chuckled to himself, quietly closing the door behind him; everything was going perfectly, his plan was going exactly as arranged, his epic pick up lines had done the trick, his beloved definitely knew who he was, but now, he thought, it was time for phase 2. He tried not to cough as his nose met the stench of blood and sweat which percolated through the room as he walked past the numerous racks of dangerous weapons towards the bunk beds at the end of the room. Looking carefully at each one for his true love he snuck past them until he found her.

She lay on her side on one of the top bunks, her head facing towards him, with her golden-brown hair forming a halo around her face. In her arms she snuggled an old, worn, brown teddy bear, which made a stunning contrast with the vicious looking knife she gripped tightly in her left hand.

Smiling softly at her (apart from the knife, she looked so innocent when she slept), he dragged his gaze away to her favorite brother, Sherman, who lay on the bunk beneath her. He was a massive brute with tan skin, black hair in a crew cut, and huge muscles. Carefully, so as not to tread on the sleeping son of Ares, Leo stepped onto the bottom bunk, pulling a spray can out of his tool belt, and carefully began to write a sentence on the wall directly above his beloved's head  
>-<p>

Ella woke up with a start and looked down at her watch, it read 5:30. She groaned and fell back against the bed, clutching Mr. Snuggles (her teddy bear) only to see Clarisse advancing towards her, Lamer, I mean Maimer in one hand, a twisted grin on her face as she said "Hurry up Ella, you're lagging behind". You see a couple weeks ago Clarisse had a fight with her boyfriend, Chris, and she decided to take her anger out on us, by making us run three miles every morning before breakfast, _in full armor,_ which trust me isn't easy. Even though she and Chris made up quite quickly, she thought it was a brilliant idea and scheduled it in as part of our daily routine. Needless to say we all hated it, but it prepared us for battle, and we were all secretly scared of Clarisse so no one really complained.

An hour and a Half later (we had stopped for an hours fighting practice up on the hill) we came back to the camp, which was just starting to wake up. We all trooped wearily into the still-dark cabin. Mark (my second favorite brother after Sherman) flipped on the light switch. I was still fiddling with my armor, so I had no idea why the room suddenly went deathly quiet. I soon realised, however, when I looked up. There, on the wall, right above my bed, written in fluorescent silver lettering were the words:

_I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?_

Dumbfounded, I stood there unmoving, just wondering how anyone could be so stupid. I was woken from my daze by a particularly irate battle cry emanating from my brother, Sherman. Honestly, I really hoped Leo wasn't planning on having any kids, because after this I doubt he'll be able to.

_Leo's pov_

"Okay, Leo" he said mentally to himself, preparing himself for the mass of violent bodily assaults that were sure to come his way, "Stand tall, go to a happy place and take your beating like a man. Holy Hades how much must that club weigh?"

_Ella's pov:_

Approximately fifteen minutes later, Leo lay in a bloody, moaning mass on the ground. Sighing I moved over to pick him up, throwing one of his arms over my shoulder, I half-steered, half-dragged him over to the infirmary.

_Leo's pov_

Mwahahahaha, everything was going according to plan, step 2: operation pity is successfully underway. The time was almost ripe for step three: operation jealousy. My gods her hair smells nice.

**OK people I hope you liked it, don't forget to review. Also if you have any requests/ideas for situations they would be appreciated. So far only _Random person with no name _has done, and I do appreciate ideas!**


	8. Chapter 8

**In this story ****Beckendorf**** and Silena are still alive, so they are both still head counselors, and Gaea has been defeated, so I'm gonna say Leo is 16, and Jason decided to live in the tye greek camp, okey dokey.**

**Ideas are by Random person with no name:  
><strong>  
><em>Leo's pov<em>

Ah, two weeks since I last saw Ella, and I can finally walk again without wanting to scream. Now where could my dove be? Ah ha, there she is! Walk quietly Leo, quietly. Mmmm her hair smells so nice, like coconuts and lemon, with a faint hint of gunpowder.

_Ella's pov_

Wait...what the hell? Who has their arms around me?

"Leo, what the hell are you doing?"

"Just practicing" he replied

"Practicing for what, might I ask" was my reply as I threw his arms off me.

"Oh, you know, for when I kidnap you, and make you my immortal wife"

"Sheeeermaaan, my weird ass stalker's back"

"My dove has a stalker? Don't worry I'll protect y- aaaaaaaah"

"Thanks Sherman"

"No problemo, lil sis"

_Half an hour later:_

"Leo, you really need to find a new crush"

"I agree with Piper, Leo"

"Well of course you would...stupid Jason...forget her indeed...NEVER!"

"He's officially gone insane"

"I agree Pipes, I agree"

Ah, peace, beautiful peace. Just me, my weapons, and a straw dummy  
>which looks remarkably like Leo Valdez (if you squint). But happily,<br>no Valdez himself. Yes this arena was 100% Leo-free.

"Hey, Ella"

Oh crap. "What?"

"Are you a pirate, because I want cho booty"

_What_ did he just say? I want to kill him so much, but Chiron said if I beat up one more person this week my whole cabin gets kitchen duty. Damn you Chiron. Ahah, but there is a way to play this though. Just be seductive.

"Come here, Leo."

"Okay" he replied as he cautiously (so he wasn't entirely stupid then) stepped up to me.

"You know Leo, I've been thinking a lot about what you said...you can kiss me if you want"

Hahahaha, stupid fool playing right into my little trap.

_Leo's pov_

Could this be real? Oh dearest Aphrodite in heaven above please let this be real!

I was millimetres, only millimetres away from her lips when a huge, beefy hand grabbed my collar, and hauled me up off the ground.

"Hey Mark" Why that little...

"What do you want me to do with this punk? Kill him or just beat him up?"

"Oh, you can just use your imagination"

"This changes nothing! I still love you! Ooooooooooow" 


	9. Chapter 9

**I had no time to write a real chapter today, so this is all there is...sorry. I am still open for suggestions as to ideas.**

_Ella's pov  
><em>Hmph, stupid Athena cabin, think they're so much better than us, just because they won capture the flag...stupid nerds. Oh gods, doesn't this day just keep getting better and better?

"Hola, lovely"

"What, Leo?"

"I just came to tell you; you may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree...but the best way to fall is in love with me."

The stupid, arrogant prat..."Hmph, I'll take the tree any day"

"But then you may ruin your perfect face!"

"Will you leave me alone if I do? Because if so give me the hammer." oh please, oh please just say yes.

"I will never leave you alone my love! Never!" Damn it 

_Leo's pov  
><em>  
>Ahah There she is, gods she's so beautiful when she's angry...Now how does that one go again, let me check the trusty clipboard...ah yes that's it.<p>

"Hey sweetheart, just want to ask you a question, ya know, see if you know the answer."

"I hope for your sake this is not what I think it is"

"What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?"

"..." She's so adorable when she scowls.

"You don't know? Well then the answer is...my zipper!" Oh what I wouldn't do to kiss those pouty lips or that adorable scrunched up nose...

"So its green is it?"

"What...No!"

"Uh huh, whatever you say."

_Ella's pov_

Capture the flag day, the day we are finally going to get back at the Athena cabin, and what happens? I get captured by one of the opposing teams stupid, complicated metal trap thingies. Oh, and guess who caught me?

It just had to be him didn't it...and he just had to gag me didn't he? Maybe, just maybe he'll decide to concentrate on the game, oh gods please let that happen.

"Hey Ella" well bang goes that theory "that shirt is very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I would be too!" That, rude, vulgar bastard...oh just you wait, when I get out of here...

"No response? Well then, I guess by your silence that you want to hear another one!"

I wanted to scream at him, but all I could manage through the gag was a muffled "ahhhuhhu"

"Now, now don't strain yourself dear, now why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!"

"No? Oh well must fly, I have people to beat up, flag to capture and all that. But before I go, I just want to tell you that if hotness was time, you'd be infinity!"

"Ahhhuhhu"


	10. Chapter 10

**I have way too much homework to do real chapters in the week, so this is like the old chappies.**

Leo: My buddies didn't think I'd get up the courage to talk to you, they also thought I wouldn't be able to get a kiss. Want to help me prove them wrong?

Ella: Hell no!

Leo: Aw, come on, please.

Ella: Stop following me you freak!

Leo: Never!

Leo: I have an owie on my lips, will you kiss it better?

Ella: Sure, stand still.

Leo: Really?

Ella: Just stand still. _(walks up to him and head butts his face)  
><em>  
>Leo: Aaah, what was that?<p>

Ella: That is a Glasgow kiss, it's what Scottish people do when you annoy them. Well, bye bye then.  
>

Leo: Hey baby, I need to ask you, will you go out with me, or do I have to stalk you?

Ella: Sheeermaaan!

Leo: Oh shit _(sprints away)_

Ella: Mwhahahahah.

Leo: Hey baby, wanna arm wrestle?

Ella: Sure

Leo: What? you were supposed to say no, so I could say 'well, then how about a kiss?"

Ella: Well you said arm wrestle, so thats what we're gonna do, now come 'ere.

Leo: Aaaaahhhhh, you're breaking my arm! 

Leo: My friend told me you and I would make a good couple. He told me to come over and talk to you. Is it a problem if my friend and I are the same person?

Ella: Someones a schizo...  
>

Leo: I think we were together in a past life; you were a princess, and I was a farmboy.

Ella: Have you been reading the Princess Bride?

Leo: No _(smirks evilly),_ but obviously you have, and if you don't go out with me I'll tell everyone you have.

Ella: You wouldn't dare!

Leo: Try me.

Leo: Let's make love like pi, irrational and never-ending!

Ella: Let's make love like spiders, the male will approach the female, and the female will eat him.

/  
>Leo: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.<p>

Ella: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I'd put F and U together

Leo: Archimedes cried 'eureka' and ran around naked filled with joy when he discovered how to calculate the volume of a solid. 15 minutes with me, and you'll be doing the same.

Ella: Kronos was chopped into a million pieces and thrown into Tartarus after he tried to kill the gods, 5 minutes with me and you'll be in the same situation  
>

Leo: Give me a kiss and I'll be your math tutor for the night, we'll subtract your clothes, divide your legs, add a bed and multiply.

Ella: You've used that one already, retard.

Leo: No I didn't, that one had a different intro.

Ella: Its still the same.

Leo: No its not

Ella: Whatever, loser.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry, again no real chapter, there'll probably be one on Friday, but if not definitely Saturday. **

Leo: Ella, has anyone told you that you are extremely selfish?

Ella: Of course, but why?

Leo: You're going to have that body for the rest of your life, I only  
>want it for one night!<p>

Leo: Lets have a party and invite your pants to come on down.

Ella: Lets have a party and invite your guts to come on out!

Leo: Lets not mess with nature, we are here to make babies, now lets get to it!

Ella: Lets not mess with genetics, I was born to kill people like you, now lets get to it.

Leo: All these curves, and me with no brakes!

Ella: Oh no, it's you, and me with no bucket to throw up in.

/

Leo: You look cold, want to use me as a blanket?

Ella: Thanks I'm fine, but I wouldn't mind using you as a target.

/

Leo: If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib

Ella: If this bar is a meat market, you must be the disgusting scraps of entrails that are fed to the dogs.

/  
>Leo: I had a dream about you last night, d'ya wanna make it a reality<p>

Ella: I had a pretty awesome dream myself last night, you didn't come out alive, wanna make mine a reality?

Leo: I'll pass thanks.

/  
>Leo: They say that once you make love to a Vulcan, you never go back!<p>

Ella: They say that once you say a pickup line like that you never walk again.

/  
>Leo: You'd better direct that beauty somewhere else, or you'll set the carpet on fire.<p>

Ella: Too late, _you_ already did

Leo: Oh shit!

/  
>Leo: If I were a stoplight I'd turn red every time you walked by, just so I could stare at you a little longer<p>

Ella: If I were a stoplight, my light bulbs would explode at your ugliness every time you walked by. 


	12. Chapter 12

Ella's pov

Ahh, such a lovely afternoon, sun shining, and I had already hospitalized two of Athena's pathetic spawn. Of course, this was too good to last, he just had to come and screw it up didn't he?

"Good morning, sweetie pie" oh gods he was annoying!

"It's the afternoon you dimwit."

"Oh, so you admit your name is sweetie pie?" The aggravating, annoying, ugly, stupid son of a

"Aaaah!"

"Now, now beloved I merely came here to tell you something, I'm addicted to yes and allergic to no. So do you want to go on a date with me?" Hmm, clever comeback, clever comeback, ahah! Got it!

"Yes, of course, just let me go slip into something more comfortable, like a coma."

"Ah, my beloved, quick-tongued as ever, but I regret I must leave you now! Farewell, until we meet again!" and with an exaggerated bow he left. What a prat.

Wait, why was he going to the woods? Hmm, this might be a good time to  
>practice my undercover surveillance skills (Yes people undercover surveillance, not stalking)<p>

I had followed him for about five minutes (the last four of which he had been singing the Indiana Jones theme song), when he walked into a clearing, sat down, and began to fiddle with some wire contraption. I quietly climbed a tree and sat on a branch where I could both see and hear the son of Hephaestus.

Soon, none other than the Stoll brothers walked into the clearing as well. Leo grinned and waved them over and they began to talk.

"So, Leo, you need our services?" said Travis (or was it Connor?) Hmm, services for what I wonder.

"Because you know it won't be cheap" said Connor (or was it Travis?) "And we only take cash in advance."

"Of course" Leo replied, taking a celestial bronze canister out of his pocket, "here you go."

"Haha, this'll teach the Ares cabin not to mess with us again, eh Trav?" said (definitely) Connor, as he pulled a book out of his pocket. It was red, and on the cover in bold lettering were the words DIRTY PICK UP LINES.

You stupid sod, Leo! He was going down for this, but first, to deal with those Stolls. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Ella's pov:**

Oh Gods, here he comes I hate that stupid, cute grin so much. Wait, what?I did not just say cute, I did not just say cute. Oh gods please tell me I didn't say that.

"Hello Ella" damnit, didn't run away fast enough. "I just wanted to know; are you a drill sargaent, because everytime I see you, my privates snap to attention."

"Are you a suicide administrator, because everytime I see you my knife snaps to my throat"

**Leo's pov**

Well that one didn't work "Okay then do you wanna go to the stables?"

"Why?"

"So you can ride my pony."

"You are so disgusting." No! why are you walking away from me?

"What? I actually made a metal horse! How is that disgusting anyway...oh. I get it now." huhuhu that was actually quite a good one.

**Sometime later...**

"Hey Ella, I have a math equation for you: you + me + whipped cream = a good time."

"What a coincidence, I have one for you too: me + a sword + that pickup line = your corpse"

**Some more time later...**

"Hey Ella, the camp is going green; to save water you must now shower with a friend."

"Good plan, I'll just go get Will."

"Wait Will, who's Will?"

"Ya know, Will Solace, I think he would make a good shower friend"

"Nooooooooooooooooo!"


	14. Chapter 14

Leo gazed down at his new book, thinking, this would probably get him killed, but oh well, no pain, no gain!

He stood up and, using one finger he beckoned towards his angel. She walked slowly over and stood in front of him

"What do you want Leo?"

"I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with one hand."

She glared at him for a moment, then round housed kicked him in the face.

"I just half-killed you with one foot, imagine what I could do with my whole body."

"Oh I do, every day!"

**Later that day...**

"Hey Ella"

"Go away"

"Just one quick question."

"Piss off"

"Can I impregnate you with my demon spawn?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Well, can I."

"NO!"

"Can we practice at least?"

"Ughh you are so annoying!"

**That evening...Leo's pov**

Now, just a few seconds and her brothers will leave to go beat up some poor, pathetic, unsuspecting souls. Doodoodoodoo*, ahah! They're gone. Time to move in.

"Hello darling."

"Oh god,"

"Actually I'm only a demigod, but you can call me god if you want." The glare, it burns! "Just a little poem I composed for us;

Roses are red,  
>Violets are blue<br>I like spaghetti,  
>Now lets go screw!"<p>

"Roses are red,  
>Violets are blue,<br>My feelings for you,  
>Don't exist."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>*For any of you that don't know Doodoodoodoo is the song you sing when you wait for something<strong>

**Now; Festus commands you to review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Ha! I finally worked out how to work the little liney thingies**

* * *

><p><strong>See! anyway on with the fic:<strong>

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you work for subway, cause you just gave me a footlong.<p>

Ella: Yeah right, tell me another one.

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you have a name, or can I call you Mine?<p>

Ella: Do you have a name or can I call you dead.

* * *

><p>Leo: You know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.<p>

Ella: What a coincidence, so are my boot and your face!

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you think most people who use pickup lines are dipsticks.<p>

Ella: Most definitely

Leo: In that case, can I check your oil level?

Ella:...

* * *

><p>Leo: Its dangerous for someone like you to be around all these hormonal teenage boys.<p>

Ella: Um, those are my brothers.

Leo: Don't worry, I'll protect you.

Ella: Mark

Leo: Stop doing that!

* * *

><p>Leo: Will you sleep with me tonight, because I'm afraid of the dark.<p>

Ella: Ha! What a pussy, Hey everyone guess what; Leo Valdez is afraid of the dark!

* * *

><p>Leo: I have only three hours to live, please help me make them count.<p>

Ella: You'll have only three seconds to live if you don't get your hands off my shoulders.

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm on fire, do you want to stop, drop and roll with me?<p>

Ella: You're immune to fire you retard

Leo: I knew that

* * *

><p>Leo: Lets have breakfast tomorrow, shall I call you or nudge you?<p>

Ella: I would guess that you would have to untie me.

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but I'm as sweet as can be<p>

Ella: I'm allergic to chocolate, and I hate pudding


	16. Chapter 16

**As I said on my other story I am goinga way for the weekend, so may not be able to update every day, but I will whenever I can.**

* * *

><p>Leo: How do you like your eggs in the morning?<p>

Ella: Unfertilised

Leo: Good, we'll use contraceptives then!

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm a love pirate, and I'm here to steal your booty. Arghhh<p>

Ella: That was just...so pathetic its unbelievable

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you know karate, because your body is kickin'<p>

Ella: Well, it will be in a second if you don't run.

* * *

><p>Leo: Here is $10, drink until I'm really good looking, then come back.<p>

Ella: Its gonna take more than that sweetheart.

* * *

><p>Leo: That outfit is horrible, take it off right now.<p>

Ella: Your head is horrible, chop it off right now.

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you mind if I hang out on your stomach for half an hour or so<p>

Ella: Yes I would, but i wouldn't if you hang out at the bottom of the lake for half an hour or so.

* * *

><p>Leo: Are you cold?<p>

Ella: Y-yes

Leo: Let me be your electric blanket, just plug me in and I'll make you feel nice and toasty inside and out.

* * *

><p>Leo: Look at our lips, they want to massage each other.<p>

Ella: Sorry, my lips are taken.

Leo: Whaaaaaat? By who? I demand to know.

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm an army recruiter, now why don't you come over to my place and be all you can be<p>

Ella: I'm already in an army, and our motto isn't 'be all you can be', its 'rid the world of all aggravating sons of Hephaestus. 


	17. Chapter 17

Haha! Finished another chapter. Oh and people, of course they're going to get together in the end, how cruel do you think I am-

Leo: Are those guess jeans?  
>Ella: I'm not wearing jeans.<br>Leo: Cause guess who wants to get into them!  
>Ella: Again, I'm not wearing jeans.-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you dissect insects for scientific research?<br>Ella: No.  
>Leo: Because I thought you might want to look inside my fly.-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Lets make like a fabric softener and snuggle.<p>

Ella: Um...lets not.-

* * *

><p>Leo: Does beauty run in your family?<br>Ella: hahahahahahahahahahahah  
>Leo: What?<br>Ella: ahah have you never seen my sisters?  
>Leo: hahahah Good point.-<br>Ella: Did you just insult my family, punk?  
>Leo: Um...no?<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: You're so beautiful I want to be reincarnated as your child so I can be breastfed by you.<br>Ella: Well, first you have to die, so wanna come back to my place and lose your life?-

* * *

><p>Leo: Brr, my hands are cold. Can I warm them on your heaving breasts?<br>Ella: Daaaaaaaaad  
>Leo: Oh shit.-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: If I were to give you sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?<br>Ella: No, but there might be for someone else.-

* * *

><p>Leo: Will you marry me for just one night?<br>Ella: Will you leave me alone for just one day?  
>Leo: Never!-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Your dad must have been a farmer, because you've got a nice set of melons.<br>Ella: Your Dad must have been a dustman, because you've got a head full of garbage.-


	18. Chapter 18

Leo: Did you just touch my ass?  
>Ella: No.<br>Leo: Damn-

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you like sleeping<br>Ella: Yes  
>Leo: We should do it together sometime<br>Ella: Thanks, but when I sleep I prefer not being tied up-

* * *

><p>Leo: Lets pretend my pants are France, and you can invade them.<br>Ella: Lets pretend you're Hiroshima and I'll bomb the hell out of you.-

* * *

><p>Leo: Your hair is beautiful, but do you know how it would look better?<br>Ella: Um...not covered in mud and blood?  
>Leo: Wrong! Well that too...but the answer was spread over my pillow.-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm an organ donor, need anything?<br>Ella: A heart.  
>Leo: I would give mine to you, but you already have it.-<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: If you were a laser you would be set on stunning<br>Ella: But I'm not a laser, I'm a soldier, and right now I'm set on kill mode.-

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm tired, you're tired, lets sleep together!<br>Ella: I like killing, you must like dying, why don't we do that together sometime?-

* * *

><p>Leo: Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.<br>Ella: Thanks for the offer, but I don't think my Dad would like it. Why don't we ask him?  
>Leo: Not necessary.-<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

**I am so sorry I didn't update sooner, I was away all weekend and all my free time on Monday was spent reading the Son of Neptune (I love it so much). and doing homework (blaaaah)**

Leo: Is your ass from McDonalds because I'm lovin' it.  
>Ella:…<br>Leo: So, whatcha thinking?  
>Ella: That any similarity between you and a human being is purely coincidental.<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Sex is evil, sex is sin, sin is forgiven, so lets begin!<br>Ella: …  
>Leo: Why are you looking at me so concerned?<br>Ella: I was just wondering, did the mental hospital test too many new drugs on you today?

* * *

><p>Leo: Are you a virgin?<br>Ella: Yes! Why the hell are you asking?  
>Leo: Prove it!<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Did you just sit in a water puddle or are you just pleased to see me?<br>Ella: Did you just sit in a puddle or are you scared to see me? 

* * *

><p>Leo: I'm jealous of your armor<br>Ella: Why? Because people can look at _it_ without wanting to vomit?  
>Leo: No, because it's touching you and I'm : I ran out of viagra<br>Ella: Good for you

* * *

><p>Leo: Can I use you?<br>Ella: I would say yes, but I really don't think you're gonna need it.

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you work for AT&amp;T, because you're raising my bar.<br>Ella: What's AT&T?  
>Leo: *sigh*<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Are you a Pokemon? Because I'd sure like to pikachu.<br>Ella: Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?


	20. Chapter 20

**We're almost at the end of this story, I'm running out of pick-up lines. T.T**

Leo: You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear  
>Ella: Well, at least that makes one of us.<p>

Leo: Would you be my love buffet. So I can lay you on the table and take what I want.  
>Ella: Leo, I would just like to tell you that I have met decomposing bodies that smell better than you.<p>

Leo: Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to screw me?  
>Ella: I don't, so here goes.<br>Leo:_ (running away) _Where the hell did you get an electric screwdriver?

Leo: Lets go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.  
>Ella: Leo, I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it, so back off.<p>

Leo: Have you heard the story about the princess and the mechanic  
>Ella: No, thank the gods<br>Leo: Well then, why don't I tell it to you when I tuck us into bed tonight?

Leo: I'm the kind of man that deserves a girl that he doesn't deserve.  
>Ella: Wait, what? Since when were you a man, I didn't know you were even human.<p>

Leo: Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?  
>Ella: Wanna come to a party in my torture room?<p>

Leo: I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away  
>Ella: Wha'ts CPR<br>Leo *facepalm* 


	21. Chapter 21

**This is the second to last chapter T.T**  
><strong>I promise they will get together next chappie.<strong>

Leo: you remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you  
>Ella:<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Are you lost? Elysium is a long way from here.<br>Ella: No, but you must be, the insane asylum is quite a distance from here.

* * *

><p>Leo: I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.<br>Ella: It will be if you leave me in peace.

* * *

><p>Leo: Do you have a Bandaid?<br>Ella: *sigh* Why?  
>Leo: Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: You make me melt like hot fudge on a sunday<br>Ella: You make me sick, like two week old meat.

* * *

><p>Leo: Is that top felt?<br>Ella: It is quite plainly celestial bronze.  
>Leo: Oh, would you like it to be?<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Nice legs, what time do they open.<br>Ella: Sweetheart, you've banned from them for life

* * *

><p>Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems, nice legs<br>Ella: Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers and the 3rd one's for you

* * *

><p>Leo: You're hot, I'm ugly.<br>Ella: That's the first correct thing I've ever heard you say.  
>Leo: Lets make average babies.<p>

* * *

><p>Leo: Breathe if you love me.<br>Ella:_(holds breathe)  
><em>Leo: Ella, Ella, breathe, you're turning blue! Someone get a doctor!


	22. Chapter 22

**The last chapter.**

Leo's pov

Piper had both of her hands on my shoulders, glaring at me "Now Leo, its not that hard. You are going to go up to her, ask her out, _without using a pickup line_. If she says yes, good, if she says no, walk away. Do you understand?"

"Of course, I'm not stupid." I replied, rolling my eyes.

**10 minutes later...**

There she was. Okay Leo, you can do this, you're the man, YOU ARE THE MAN.

"Why are you muttering to yourself?" gods, when did she walk up to me?

"No, reason." I replied hastily.

No, she's walking away. Why was this so much more difficult than delivering a pick-up line? Ok I can do this, just say it...

"Will you go out with me?" I half-screamed.

"What?" of course she would say no, ah well one more time won't hurt,

"Will you, Ella, be my girlfriend?"

"You really couldn't have said this a month ago? Leo Valdez, you are an idiot, I have no idea why I like you."

"Wait, you like me, so was that a yes?"

"Yes, you idiot."

"YES!" I screamed, launching myself at her. I tackled her to the ground and hugged her for all she's worth.

She glared at me with that famous, Ares, 'I will take great pleasure in killing you slowly' glare, then a smile spread across her face and she said "You know sweety, my lips won't just kiss themselves, can I have a little help?"

She looked so adorable that I just had to kiss her soft, pink lips.

**Awwwwww  
><strong>**So, yes, that was the last chapter, but I may do a Christmas ****special (which will be uploaded on Christmas, duh) Until then, read my ****new story! (its called _Welcome Competition_)Leo commands you to.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Christmas special:**  
><strong>Leo's pov<strong>

I stumbled out of the Aphrodite cabin, and stalked back towards my cabin. I had taken so much trouble to dress up for Christmas with Ella, I had even put on deodorant for Zeus' sake! And those Aphrodite  
>campers kidnapped me and dressed me up as an elf. An elf! Piper really needs to have a firm talk with her subordinates<p>

My face lit up however, when I saw my precious darling. Her back was turned, so I decided to sneak up on her. But first to review the list and pick which one to use!  
>Hmm, let me see<p>

**I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my "naughty" list. **Overdone.

**Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? **No imagination.

**I know when you`ve been bad or good...so let`s skip the small talk! **Hmm…possibly

**You are what I want for Christmas. **Not dirty enough.

**I`ve got something special in the sack for you! **Nahhh…

**Some of my best toys run on batteries... **Will probably earn me a punch…

**Are you interested in seeing the "North Pole"? **She may not get it.

**I see you when you`re sleeping & you don`t wear any underwear... **One of her brothers might walk past.

And then I saw it, it was perfect!

I walked up to her, and slipping my hands around her waist, I said seductively "You know darling, I've got something you can hang a wreath on."

She laughed as I started kissing her neck and said "Maybe after presents, flame boy." She turned around and returned my kisses and then said "But Santa, I've been a really good girl this year, so will you come down my chimney at half past midnight?"

That's my girl. You were definitely worth all that pain**.**

* * *

><p><strong>How was my last chapter? *sniffle* I didn't want it to end!<strong>

**So I will be doing a sorta sequel to this, called "Misheard conversations", where basically Leo and Ella have perfectly innocent conversations, which are heard by other people and completely mishunderstood (in a sexual way). So yeah, watch out for that later this week. **

**Until then Merry Christmas!**

/ \  
>|<p> 


End file.
